As we entered the Sheraton Noosa on Hastings Street, I saw her circling my husband and my dear friend Dan. She was staggering but not too far gone. A good looking, well dressed, middle aged woman with great hair, who would be embarrassed if shown footage of herself now, tomorrow morning.
“Let’s watch for a while?” I asked Lily touching her elbow to invite her to another table. Her husband Dan was the next sexual meal this Predatory Woman was working on devouring. If only she could stand straight.
My husband (Mr. Delicious) saw us enter and looked over at me and smiled. This play was entertaining to watch but for me this Predatory Woman was also an important mirror and reminder. For that hungry, lonely, woman on the hunt, has been me in years gone by.
“There but for the grace of God go I”. Barbs word vitamins reminding me to not judge others silently, gently tapping me on the heart.
Lily and I had been sitting outside eating our divine gelati, relishing in the wealth of time we had to just catch up and chat. About men, kids, ex-wives, our fears and our love and respect for each other as friends. Dan and Lily, Mr. Delicious and I have all been married before and so the complexities that step parenting, dealing with ex’s, and the passage of time are subjects of which we are all supportive of in each other’s lives. Though usually we are not able to spend a few days together as we are now. Normally we are all busy working people. So getting together usually means in the midst of cooking feasts for our collective families. Conversations take place whilst cleaning up from the banquets for ten or more, or cramming as much catch up conversation in as we can over a Saturday breakfast as our lives are so full back in Bris Vegas.
But tonight on the first day of January, 2010 we had been shopping, beaching, people watching and sipping good coffee at Aromas, playing scrabble, snoozing, laughing, strolling and had just returned from the early screening of Lovely Bones in Noosa Junction.
It was early around 9.00pm, Dan and Mr. Delicious wanted a beer, and we wanted gelati. So they went into the Sheraton and Lily and I decided to have some treasured alone girl time and chat outside whilst enjoying our exquisitely creamy iced treats. We had been deeply immersed in conversation when it started to rain so we unwillingly had to move and went to see what our lads were up to.
My hubby being 52 and hers has just turned 60 are both are very fit, good looking, and distinguished silver foxes. If I was a single middle aged woman I would be interested as these guys are unmistakably stylishly, sexy alpha males.
As I looked around the bar I could see many single middle aged women. Good looking, tanned beauties with flowers in their hair and time on their hands.
I recalled my drinking days when I would go hunting. Not for sex, but for a feed of attention and adoration. For it was always lacking in my life regardless of whether I was single or had a partner. I was always waiting, wanting and looking. I remember reading a magazine article about a movie star who spoke about never being able to give her full attention to any man she was with when out at a restaurant or bar. She was always waiting for the next best thing, or her true love, the one, to walk into the room and finally satisfy this inconvenient hunger she lived with.
That was me. I could have been partnered with George Clooney and Dr. Phil in one and would still have been out on the hunt. For me when I drank and took drugs, I remained disconnected from myself. My heart. I lived in the realm of body and mind. And was always looking for true meaning, true love and true satisfaction to no avail.
The true love I was seeking was not ever going to be found in the perfect partner. I had to spend time alone, un partnered, sober and straight before I could satisfy my heart hunger. The partnership I was seeking was one with myself. For I had been divorced from my own heart since I was a young child. Until I came home, unpacked, sobered up, straightened up and moved into my own truth there would be no peace.
Lily and I eventually joined our men and the Predatory Woman and her two friends who seemed happy to settle for her scraps for she was the Alpha Female. They did not give up their position blind, literally to the fact that these men were taken. Her empty gaze, heavy and slow blinking as Predatory Woman slurred her words saddened me. We sat for a while, Lily being gracious and compassionate, me relieved that their focus was on Dan. We stayed only for perhaps ten minutes more before excusing ourselves, and I felt proud to be in the company I was with as we all ensured we treated her and her posse with respect and kindness.
As Mr. Delicious and I linked arm in arm strolling back to our holiday apartment I looked back and saw the women grouped under the magnificent Poinciana Tree sheltering from the summer rain, smoking and staggering back into the hotel to see what scraps were left to feed on.
“There but for the grace of God go I”. There they were again, Barbs words of wisdom; my heart was full of gratitude for the miracle of recovery in my life.
Waking this morning Mr. Delicious has gone for his bike ride and will return later once I finish my writing. We will wake Lily and Dan as they are not early risers like us, then head to Eumundi Markets. I am looking forward to wandering aimlessly, sharing some breakfast and of course paying a visit to the enchanting face painting fairy. She is a highlight for me of these markets, but obviously also memorable for many as Dan mentioned yesterday that he hoped she was still there. This woman is absolutely divine to watch as she paints young children’s faces and tells them tales of pixies, elves and winged life. She is a long golden haired fairy tale creature who does not look like she is dressed as the Fairy Queen; she truly is magical and enchanting.
As I sit here and type these words I send my heartfelt love to my middle aged sisters that I met last night. They may well wake this morning with ashtray mouths, and hangovers hopefully they are clothed without strangers next to them.
It is a living hell being lost in the illusion that the right partner will change everything. Looking outside of myself for that hit of attention and adoration kept me chasing my tail for decades. Nothing changed, until I was willing to change.
I needed to start paying attention to my own heart and loving myself for all of my mistakes, fears, and failings. I had to be reminded by my heart mother Beautiful Barb consistently that I deserve the same love for myself that I give to my children. I love my children no matter what they do and always will. I will not abandon them, give up on them, call them names nor tell them they are too much work. I will always accept them, support them, and love and adore them when they forget how wonderful they are. That is the true meaning of tough love. To love others when they are acting unlovable. That when others leave, tough love stays.
I had to learn how to give myself the same commitment. To marry myself for better and for worse. I had left myself for almost two decades. I was lost in the wilderness of drugs and alcohol. I had abandoned myself and wandered around in my own personal hell longing for a heart connection, but only attracting head and body connections with others for they were the only ways I knew how to relate to others.
I have learned that when I crave attention and adoration it is my job to give it to myself. Like when I crave water, it means I am dehydrated. It is no-one else’s responsibility to ensure I drink enough water. I must look after this for myself. To pay attention to what I feel then honour it so that my heart does not emotionally dehydrate is exactly the same principle for me nowadays.
Adoration for me is not about ego massaging but giving myself time and space to do the things I adore. Like meditating, writing, cooking, gardening and collecting beautiful items of colour and texture for my home and wardrobe. When I pay attention to what makes my heart sing, and what it adores I am a happy and whole woman, this is heaven on earth and it is an available option, for us all. But more importantly our birthright.
So as I close this morning to prepare to see the Fairy Queen I thank you for visiting me and sharing your time. I would like to sign off with the Word Vitamins I use often when I feel I am in a dark place as last hungry hearted, Predatory Woman may be this morning.
“When you are going through hell…… keep going.” Winston Churchill
© Copyright 2010 Cynthia J. Morton
Emotional Fitness™ Emotional Monogamy™
(All names in all blogs are changed to protect confidentiality)