Scared

Daily Word Vitamin … SCARED

“Being SCARED isn’t a sign of weakness, not admitting you were SCARED is” … Thank you Karina Barton for this quote.

As an adult admitting we are SCARED and need help can in itself be really SCARY. Especially if you are a recovering anti-dependent like me. Yes people like me are the opposite of a co-dependent. We don’t like needing help nor asking for it. Well I was given some serious Emotional Fitness homework this week, that I gotta admit, really SCARED the shit out of me.

I chose the word SCARED for todays Word Vitamin because I was recalling a few years back one the most unexpectedly challenging days that blindsided me. I was genuinely SCARED, more than I have been since the early days of my recovery back in 1995. I observed myself really struggle physically, spiritually and emotionally at a whole new level.

My violent alcoholic father died aged 49 of a sudden brain bleed with a 26-year-old hooker at his side. On a morning like any other, four years ago I came to, after passing out to find myself laying on the floor in my own vomit with a blinding pain shooting through my brain I wondered if I was living my last moments. I was totally helpless on the floor unable to get up. I lost strength in my left arm and leg my eyes were open but I could not see. I was scared and annoyed as I lay there. I always defer to anger as my primary coping mechanism. I feel safer being angry than allowing myself to admit I am sad and SCARED shitlesss. I could not stop my tears, my head felt like it was exploding in more pain than I had endured during childbirth. For the first time in my life ever, I wondered to myself …

“Is this it? Am I about to die?”

I am not ready. I pray and meditate every morning so that morning had been no exception. Whenever I am SCARED I talk to the trees, the sky, or the sparrows. On that bathroom floor I sobbed and I prayed. I am not sure if I said to quietly or aloud …

“Please not now, not like this, not like my dad on the floor, not after all this work surely I get a few more years than he got.”

An ambulance was called, I was hospitalized overnight after a multitude of tests and an overnight stay I was sent home. The numbness eased from my arm and leg, but bruising and swelling under my eye started appear. Maybe I hit my eye as I fell t the floor? The following days it felt like my brain was jelly. It just didn’t work properly.

Not being able to write and process my fears also really SCARED me. I tried to handwrite in my journal because I couldn’t look at the brightness of a computer screen, my brain hurt. But my hand was too weak, my writing looked like a preschoolers scrawl. All I could do was sleep and be present to how SCARED I had been in those helpless moments.

“Life is under no obligation to give us what we expect”

I needed some revision homework on that universal truth it seems.

“Life is under no obligation to give us what we expect”

So todays Word Vitamin reviews what we do when we are SCARED.

What do you do?

There was a time that I would drink, drug, blame, shame, deny or just run. On that floor I could do none of these things. I just spoke to the Universe pleading for more time unsure of what was going on with my usually reliable healthy body and brain. All I could do was surrender to the reality that I was not in control and I was really, really SCARED.

So I just wanted to share the last time I was really terrified because it was a challenging lesson I needed to learn and it really hit home. We all get SCARED from time to time even though our ego fights it and calls us names, our heart has a right to speak up and ask for help and share how we truly feel. So moving forward lets remember together that …

“Being SCARED isn’t a sign of weakness, not admitting you were SCARED is”

Lotsa love Cynthia xxx

Cynthia Morton

Managing Director

Cynthia Morton is a bestselling Author, Blogger, Speaker and Founder of the multi award winning Emotional Fitness Program.