Terminal Uniqueness

“I hold a beast, an angel and a madman within me” … Dylan Thomas confesses. I often feel the same way.

I first heard the term TERMINAL UNIQUENESS when I started attending drug and alcohol recovery groups to clean up my own life back in 1995. So it concerns me when I still see people today killing themselves as their ego clings to the belief that they are TERMINALLY UNIQUE like my ego used to.

“No I am better than them; you don’t understand it is different for me”. The line usually goes something like that and then the victim dialogue begins.

“If you had a wife (feel free to insert any of the following: husband, child, partner, childhood, mother, father, sister, brother, life, boss, health or financial problem) like I do you would need to drink and or drug like me too!

The recovery line sometime used to attempt to wake those adults up who are sleepwalking through life, taking no responsibly for themselves, still believing that they are a powerless child is:

Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!

The belief that as we suffer with our emotional problems we are TERMINALLY UNIQUE, actually kills people. The illusion that if the outside world changed and people and the world stopped doing stuff to them, then they would have a happy life. Quite frankly is dangerous bullshit.

“Anyway I could stop if I want to, I just don’t want to” …. Ever heard that one? This is another favourite line often used to justify unhealthy habits.

I used to say this one too because I did not want to stop self-medicating and hiding, behind my weapons of mass distraction (booze, drugs and drama) because I too deep down believed that I really was TERMINALLY UNIQUE. I thought I was dumb, undeserving, unlovable, less than everybody else and quite crazy. And also that nobody had lived my life and had my troubles, so they could never fully understand.

The phrase ‘TERMINAL UNIQUENESS’ came to mind recently as Mr. Delicious and I smiled at each other as we watched our dear friends do the same dance we often do. We were all getting ready to walk out the door of our holiday apartment in Noosa to head to the Eumundi Markets when our dear friend said to his wife.

“Now my Darling Heart,” he paused for a moment to place his hands on his hips and contain his frustration.

“Where have you put the cream for my foot?” he continued in an annoyed tone.

“I have looked everywhere, now you have put it somewhere and I can’t find it, and I need it now to put on before we go” he raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“Have you looked in the bathroom?” Darling Heart did not look up from her reading remaining quiet and calm with a hint of ‘here we go again’ in her voice.

“Yes, I have looked in the bathroom, and in my bags, and everywhere else in the unit, you have put it somewhere, where have you put it?” His frustration heightened as he sensed his wife knew he had not looked properly and wanted her to stop her reading and get up and help him.

“You might need to have a wife look for him Darling Heart?” I suggested finding it difficult to hide my smile as she peered over the pages she was trying to read and playfully rolled her eyes.

She stood up and walked into their bedroom without a word.

“She’s like a blood hound” Her hubby proudly smirked at us both!

Only seconds later Darling Heart returned with it in her hand and firmly placed it on the table next to her hubby. She plopped herself back in her chair and returned to her reading.

“Where did you find that?” he asked incredulously.

“Standing up on the bathroom shelf sticking out like dogs balls, is where I found it!” She looked him dead in the eye, and then smiled with a mix of love and frustration at his childlike blindness.

“Ooh, I was looking for something that was lying down” he sheepishly explained.

“Thank you my Darling Heart can you believe it? I could not see it right in front of me.” He was genuinely grateful.

“Yes, strangely enough, I can believe it!” She shook her head, raising her eyebrows in exasperation as she nestled back into her reading.

It was comforting to watch another couple have almost the exact same conversation Mr. Delicious and I regularly have when he cannot find his car keys, wallet, and or glasses.

We all laughed aloud after their little morning tête-à-tête and at the familiar dances we all do often in quiet exasperation thinking our relationship tangles are sometimes TERMINAL and or UNIQUE. Whenever I watch a commercial about a couple in a car getting lost and the squabbling that goes on, it makes me smile. It is a relief to see it is a universal dance human beings do with each other, and in a way it is validating and comforting.

For someone like me who really believed for so many years I did not belong, I was wrong, strange and flawed and different from everyone else kept my heart disconnected and sad. It is reassuring nowadays for me to have gentle reminders witnessing friends normalise challenges I too face in relationships. I know now, I am not nor ever was I TERMINALLY UNIQUE. I am not always wrong, or right, but always human. Not knowing this about ourselves is fatal for some, as it disconnects our heart from its tribe of humanity and also from humour.

A sad and lonely heart is the reason I believe for the majority of problems that people face today.

One of my main focus points when I address a conference or talk with someone privately about their heart fatigue or trauma, is to help them understand they are not alone. I explain to them with firmness and gentle respect that actually they are not TERMINALLY UNIQUE. There are a variety of formulas for recovery that we can tailor make to heal their hearts individuated wounds and needs. Human beings before them and many people from this day forward will struggle too with very similar heart issues they might be facing. They can and do recover.

On a heart level, I believe, we are all the same. It matters not your age, gender or culture when you feel love and fear. The joy of a birth or the grief of a death transcends age; culture and gender as it hits us all on a heart level the same way.

So whether it is a lighthearted frustration with loved ones, or a dark and dangerous fear you are facing you are not the first. You are not TERMINALLY UNIQUE and that is a good and healthy thing. Hearts heal and dance again when they have the consistent and loving support to do so.

So today’s Word Vitamin invites you to explore any “poor me’s (my tragedy is worse than everyone else’s) or “don’t fuck with me’s” (I’m the worst bad ass you’ve ever met) you have been bulshitting yourself with. Yes we all have our dark warrior side, and our helpless; hopeless moments of genuine despair from time to time and we have gotta own it all. The prisons and rehabs I visit often are full of great people that thought they were TERMINALLY UNIQUE. To many people suffer and cause others great grief because they honestly believed that the rules would not apply to them, that they did not need anyone or any help.

The biggest mistake those of us suffering from TERMINAL UNQIUENESS make is in believing we are alone in our pain, and not asking for help. I too believe that we all hold a beast, an angel and a madman within us and we have gotta respect and make peace with them all.

Lotsa love Cynthia xxx

This Word Vitamin is an excerpt from my latest bookset “The Four Seasons of the Heart”. If you would like to order your own full set of Daily Word Vitamins one for each day of the year, in book form for yourself or as a gift for someone you care about just click on the SHOP tab and place your order.