We are reminded often that we teach people how to treat us.
So if we are not happy with the way we are currently treated in any of our relationships, we’re taught we must take full responsibility for this as an adult. That is what emotionally growing up is all about.
Poor treatment in relationships can only continue with our consent. And it will continue throughout our whole life if we truly believe somehow that second best is all we DESERVE. Or we make a change.
Changing our language via the way we silently speak to ourselves then others is our starting point. Our inner language must be one of a grown-up adult, not a child’s if we want to be treated with the full respect an adult DESERVES. When we hear ourselves or another as an adult say …
“I can’t because he or she won’t let me.” What is really being said is …
“I won’t allow myself to stand up or speak up for myself.”
The reasons we hold on to our disempowered child’s “cant” status will vary. Sometimes it is because we are afraid of rejection or conflict, or we feel too overpowered or ill equipped. If we unpack these reasons by continuously asking the question …
“But why?” we usually all arrive at the same primal heart wound. It is because we believe at our core we do not DESERVE any better.
When we consciously change our language replacing our “cants” with “wonts we send a clear message to ourselves and others that we’re making a choice as an adult.
“No thanks, I won’t be joining you” is clear, empowered, adult communication, whereas …
“No I can’t come” is vague, indicating something or someone else has power over our decision and that it is out of our hands. This opens us up to the question from the other …
“But why can’t you?”
We as adults DESERVE to have an empowered choice in all of our life decisions. Including whether we leave a relationship or stay in one.
“I won’t leave you, or I won’t put up with this” is a loving adult commitment.
“I can’t stay and I can’t change” is a fear-driven, disempowered excuse.
I remember as a young surfie girl living at Kirra on the famous Australian Gold Coast that there was a type of female that seemed to have a power with males I didn’t possess. I could attract males, my god I was crowned Miss Wet T-shirt at the Playroom back in 1978 for God’s sake. I was a legend in my own ego’s lunchbox! However, I could not sustain a quality of relationship that fulfilled me. I got bored, so I became a relationship nomad. I concluded that the quality of boyfriends those other girls with mysterious powers could attract and sustain were too good for me. I believed then I at my core did not DESERVE to be cherished and adored at a heart level.
Until we grow up and do our emotional homework claiming our voice and our self-respect, we will continue to attract the quality of relationship we believe we DESERVE. It takes a great deal of commitment to grow up and become whom we truly are, and to believe in and claim what our heart truly desires. I now understand those empowered mysterious girls were not princesses like I was back then, waiting for a prince to come on his white horse and take me away from the responsibilities of life. They were already young queens who had claimed their power and actually did not need to be saved from themselves. They knew their worth and how they DESERVED to be treated and accepted no less. That is not arrogance, it is mature assertiveness. Assertiveness is the by-product of a safe heart that won’t self-abandon for approval. This results in personal confidence and confidence in adult life long term is far more attractive than youth, wet T-shirt crowns and beauty.
I love how Dianne Keaton’s character in the movie Something’s Gotta Give (great movie if you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favour) demonstrates this universal truth about confident queens so very beautifully. If you want to attract a king, being a princess will not cut it, he will get bored. Queens attract kings who want the whole package, the whole woman, not just great tits and arse. I watched this movie many times during my single years as an adult woman. Dianne Keaton’s character was a writer and a single mum too who laughed and cried as she typed like me. Great heart therapy, and God love Jack Nicholson’s character. He manned up, grew up and became the king he was destined to be.
I would like to share with you what I have learnt about the gentle word DESERVE in my travels from Princess City to my Queen of Hearts beautiful estate for your consideration. Sometimes when it seems Universal Laws purposely refuse to give us what we want, it is easy to conclude that it is because we do not DESERVE it. The truth, I believe, is because we are selling ourselves short, and we actually DESERVE so much more.
May we remember from this moment forward that we all DESERVE an abundant life full of love, laughter, beauty and respect.
Lotsa love Cynthia xxx
© Copyright 2016 Cynthia J. Morton Emotional Fitness™