“Life is under no obligation to give you what you expect” …
I was so pissed off when I heard this phrase early in my recovery.
I was in my first year of getting clean and sober when my marriage fell apart, my sons were heartbroken and my relationships with some members of my biological family and those I’d considered close friends, fractured more instead of mending.
I felt wronged by the Universe.
My grand PLAN was that if I endured all the hard emotional work and ego deflation involved in confessing I was an alcoholic/addict that the Universe would work with me, not against me! My PLAN was that life would reward me with the marriage, family and friends of my dreams and help me be the best Mum I could be.
I felt that was a fair trade.
Not too much to ask?
But no, that is not how things went down; my PLANS seemed to be ignored. The shit hit the fan, instead of my relationships being renovated, many were demolished, and my babies were very sad.
I questioned the relevance of even bothering to make any PLANS at all if I couldn’t rely on old Mother Nature and Father Time to work with me. It honestly felt like the Universe was conspiring against me. I thought I was being punished for being such a bad, unworthy person.
My biggest heartfelt dream was then when my recovery started at age 33, and still is now at age 56 to be the very best version of myself I could be for my sons, my husband and to be surrounded by family and friends that truly loved and ‘got’ me.
I didn’t care about financial wealth or success. My God in 1995 I left an affluent married life to go and live as a single Mum on the pension in a tiny rented flat! Emotional wealth was my motivation, my heartfelt dream, my grand PLAN.
What I’ve come to respect about the way love works in this life, is that often destruction needs to precede construction. Sometimes relationships have crumbling foundations that are not strong enough to build upon need to be demolished. They are just plain dangerous for everyone concerned.
It is not about casting blame.
Many of us were not shown by elders what a loving marriage, compassionate parenting and healthy family and friendships require to endure the ravages of time. As a result, to build an emotionally robust life sometimes we have to start over.
Our heart needs to be cleared of crumbling foundations, emotional termites and unstable beams so we can create our dreams. It is bloody inconvenient, I agree and time consuming. Instant gratification was how I had previously lived.
I was so very impatient twenty three years ago. Now? Not so much.
Back then; I did not want to do all the cautious detailed work involved in healthy PLANNING! I just wanted my life fixed, and asap!
In the midst of complaining to beautiful Barb one day about how my life had turned to shit, and how I must be flawed because her marriage survived putting down the booze, and mine had not. Barb shared with me another valuable phrase that I still use in my private self talk all these years later when things are not going to PLAN.
She gently advised …
“Cynthia make your PLANS to create your dreams, by all means. What’s important to remember is to not emotionally invest or live in your plans.”
In that discussion I understood for the first time that my preference was that all things in my life went according to my PLANS (naive I know). I had to learn though to not live in expectation, understanding that Universal wisdom may have a better plan for me. Sure it may take longer but it will be worth my time and patience. Delayed gratification, not my favourite emotional homework!
The term “building castles in the sky” is about dreaming and making PLANS. However, many of us emotionally move into our “castles in the sky” and wonder why we come crashing down to earth. Too often we focus only on the romance of our dream, not on the elbow grease, demanding character building and time involved in building solid emotional foundations first. So it took a great deal more time than I had originally included in my original PLANS to realise and get to live out some of my dreams.
But it has so been worth the heartache and the wait. My sons are men now, and we have a beautiful bond built on love, trust and respect. Mr. Delicious walked into my world 9 years later than I had in my original PLANS but bought with him a mother and brother that have taught me so very much about new aspects family life.
These days I don’t choose to have lots of friends, I’m very careful about who I let into, and who I let stay in my life. However, the intimate circle of friends I do have share a mutually beautiful bond of love trust and respect with me, that I cherish.
So as we review the word PLAN today, as a blueprint for building our hearts dreams..
How are you going with yours?
One last suggestion I would like to leave you with …
If the PLAN is not working, and life seems to be getting in the way, change the PLAN not the dream.
Lotsa love Cynthia xxx
© Copyright 2016 Cynthia J. Morton Emotional Fitness™
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