When those we love the most stuff up, become awkward and fearlessly confess their flaws to us, well I don’t know about you, but it makes me love them even more.
By the time we reach adult life we all become a little battle weary. We collect a few dents and grooves along the way. However, when our dents fit someone’s grooves, our FLAWS and theirs can make for a match made in heaven from the battles we won and lost enduring our own hell.
One of the most important foundational ingredients required to create deep intimacy is emotional transparency. As a parent, lover or friend the ability to flaunt our FLAWS and show the whole of ourselves to our children, intimate lovers and cherished friends is what builds a sense of trust and safety.
As a parent it is imperative that we earn emotional credibility. We do not trust people we don’t know, nor do children. The old “Do as I say, not as I do” mantra from days gone by is corrosive to intimacy between parents and children.
I remember back in 1995 when I commenced working with a therapist I needed a great deal of help in all of my relationships. Especially the toxic one I was enduring with myself. Facing then owning my FLAWS, my battle scars, was the starting place. Taking responsibility for my addictions and becoming willing to set strong new boundaries between myself and those who were abusive and disloyal in my past was also necessary to my survival.
Few of us have perfect relationship histories with family, friends and past lovers. Most of us spend the second half of our lives getting over the first. So I wrote out all of my FLAWS in my first manuscript. I faced many of the problems from my past and coupled them with solutions for my future. The first to read my manuscript was my two sons. I was initially terrified that when they read the raw FLAWED truth about their mother they would be disappointed. When mothers were handed out I felt sure they would both feel like they were given the shortest straw. The opposite was true.
My heart’s library was locked for the first 33 years of my life. Writing helped me unlock myself and allow myself out and others in. The first two people invited into my heart’s library after my therapist and my recovery sponsor, Beautiful Barb, were my two sons.
I remember my oldest son telling me after reading my FLAWED ramblings as I hung out the washing the most beautiful few words. I was frozen in fear as he announced he had something to say to me after reading my first draft. I was ready for the worst when he cleared his throat, looked me firmly in the eye and said …
“I really like you, Mum”
You could have knocked me down with a feather. I knew my sons loved me, but doubted they really liked me. It was like disinfectant on a wound. I shed a few quiet tears with relief.
I invite you to self-question when it comes to your heart’s library. We all have books within our heart’s libraries that are horror stories, comedies, dramas and love stories.
Who have you shared all of yours with?
Does anyone on this planet know all about you and your secrets and love you more because they do?
In relationships, when our heart’s truth becomes more important than our ego’s fear of our FLAWS true intimacy starts to grow. We cannot love anyone we do not like, nor can we like anyone we do not know. And, it all starts with the relationship we have with ourselves.
Can we be emotionally transparent with ourselves and not take ourselves too seriously?
Sure there are times where we need to cry, but also times we need to have a bit of a giggle at ourselves too. Once we get to know then like ourself we can then be a little more self-affectionate. You know, kind to ourselves. Give ourselves a break and show ourself a little compassion. The next step is love. And we cannot love anyone long-term if we don’t feel safe, trust him or her completely, know and embrace his or her whole story.
How much of your heart’s library do you allow those closest to you to have full access to?
Affection occurs when we allow others to see our heart’s strengths, however, we will only know true and lasting love when we also allow others to see our human FLAWS too.
Lotsa love Cynthia xxx
© Copyright 2016 Cynthia J. Morton Emotional Fitness™
This Word Vitamin is an excerpt from my latest bookset “The Four Seasons of the Heart”. If you would like to order your own full set of Daily Word Vitamins one for each day of the year, in book form for yourself or as a gift just click on the SHOP tab and place your order.