Sometimes in our lives when ‘the going gets TOUGH’ the disconnected TOUGH hearted don’t get going; they abandon themselves and the other and let go of believing in love completely.
When we or others ‘get it wrong and stuff up’ in life, it takes no strength of character to shame, judge, punish and turn away; this is how a disconnected, unfit heart reacts.
What really demonstrates TOUGH LOVE is NOT withdrawing our LOVE when we or others behave unlovingly. Its the TOUGHEST assignment for us all, to remain kind when those we deeply care about are being a pain in the arse this requires true Emotional Fitness.
However, it’s important to remember we don’t want to become enablers either. If we have stayed, been kind and tried to work it out, talk it out, said sorry for our part in the issue at hand and the other party remains in victim … unwilling to take any responsibility or make healthy changes … TOUGH LOVE also requires we set robust boundaries.
It’s easy peasy to LOVE when people behave lovingly and get it right that requires no effort nor commitment.
The most memorable people in our lives will always be the ones who stood by us, and still believed in us even when we were behaving unlovingly.
However, it’s unfair for anyone of us to consistently behave unlovingly, without respect for the other party and expect them to stay and keep putting up with irresponsible, disrespectful behaviour. If as parents, lovers, spouses, family members or friends we don’t set boundaries when others are consistently behaving disrespectfully perhaps even betraying us … we become enablers. And that’s on us, not them.
So let’s ensure we remain the emotionally connected and tender hearted memorable ones when the going gets TOUGH in our relationships.
Especially within the relationship we are having with ourselves.
In my view, TOUGH LOVE requires an Emotionally Fit heart to master the ability to unashamedly continue to give love, especially when it’s least deserved, ‘cos that is when it’s need the most.
Sometimes giving love means staying and working it out. Sometimes it means letting go of their disrespect and holding onto our own self respect so we don’t become co-dependent enablers. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is leave the relationship with love, not shame. We can still love people we no longer like nor choose a relationship with anymore … and remain civil and respectful even when the relationship comes to an end. However, it does take real emotional muscle … TOUGH LOVE in fact.
And … the TOUGHEST LOVE assignment we all will ever get given, and let me tell you I’ve had a few of these assignments throughout my 23 years in my recovery from my own addiction and trauma and that is …. forgiving someone who wasn’t even sorry.
When we do this, we give love to ourselves and free our hearts to get on with living a beautiful life. As we age we either become bitter or better. If we can’t forgive ourselves or others for stuffing up, we become bitter. If we can leave a relationship and wash our hearts out with love, and wish them well we become better human beings.
Let’s remember … we are all flawed, we all fuck up, we are all a work in progress … and where there is shame, there is always a lack of empathy. And we all deserve empathy and love even when we get it wrong, even when we’ve blown it and the relationship is over lets live and learn, become better not bitter and get TOUGHER at letting love rule in our hearts as we move through life.
Lotsa love Cynthia xxx
This Word Vitamin is an excerpt from my latest bookset “The Four Seasons of the Heart”. If you would like to order your own full set of Daily Word Vitamins one for each day of the year, in book form for yourself or as a gift for someone you care about just click on the SHOP tab and place your order.
© Copyright 2016 Cynthia J. Morton Emotional Fitness™